Friday, February 23, 2007
Some Good Advice for Old Men
Things are different when you are old. To save your self a lot of grief, Old Man, take my advice:
NEVER eat corn-on-the-cob in public, especially if you have a beard. There is something disgusting about kernels of corn in an old man’s beard.
WHEN your wife brings you eggs and toast instead of the eggs, ham, and potatoes you ordered, say “Thank you, Dear!” and eat your eggs and toast. If you tell her she forgot the ham and potatoes, she will feel bad because she forgot to bring them. Sooner or later, she will get even with you.
DON’T put pans on top of plates and glasses in the sink. She will just tell you for the umpteenth time to stop doing that and you will receive a dissertation that could qualify for a Ph.D. about how pans can scratch dishes or break her favorite glasses.
TRY NOT to let the gasoline gage drop below ¾ full or she will nag you to death how you are going to get stranded on an old country road at midnight because YOU DIDN’T BUY GAS!
TAKE the garbage out when she tells you. If you miss the garbage truck you will have seven days of hell. (This is not as serious in my town where they pick up the garbage on Monday and Thursday.)
ALWAYS pick up your dirty clothes and put them in the clothing hamper by the washing machine. If you don’t, they may never make the area of the washing machine and you will either never see them again or you will find them in a box in the garage that says “Good Will.”
REMEMBER that washing machines are too complicated for men to operate. Don’t even think about it!
YOU SHOULD NOT try to jog along side of that Latin lady down at the track. You won’t last three minutes before your heart goes into a thimwiggle and scares your pants off. (A "thimwiggle" is that erratic heart beat that can kill you. My wife gave me this exact advice.)
DANCING the jitterbug at your granddaughters wedding is not a good idea. Nobody will know what in all Succotash you are doing and you might end up in a straight jacket.
ABOVE ALL for those of you that have a zillion grandkids and great grandkids like I do, do your Christmas shopping the day before Thanksgiving when the stocks are at their peak, the number of clerks is at the maximum, and the stores are empty. (Read my article on the best shopping day of the year.)
FINALLY make sure you have a room in your house that is grandkid proof and has only one chair. It must have a TV and shelves for your wife’s dolls and stuffed animals. Tell her that it is HER ROOM. Occasionally take her a sandwich or a nice drink you prepared in the blender. Close the door when you leave.
